Serenity Atreyua Global Moderator Kulan Elemental: Dark Fire Shifter:Phoenix NPC: Sagittarius and Cancer Caidz New Generation member is offline
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Behind the Phoenix. « Thread Started on Apr 21, 2007, 3:45am »
For anyone that dares steal my journal and reads it, I seriously hope that you don't read this, but if you absolutely insist on reading it, these are my personal demons surfacing and this entry is not for the weak of heart.
Have you ever felt like you don't belong or that you're the biggest mistake on the face of the planet? Yeah that's me in a nutshell. I stick by what I said to my mother. I feel like the biggest failure in the Caidz family. Everything I touch, I feel like I ruin it.
I still feel like I caused my family unnecessary pain. With my sneaking around, and now my not returning home. Something that will forever haunt me is the fact that after I fought with momma, she lost three of my siblings because I think to myself that if I had just accepted my punishment, then none of this would have happened.
Overall, I just feel inadequate. Nothing I do seems to go right for myself or other people and lately, all of my failures have been fuelling my emptiness. I screwed up in my trials many times; I put an innocent woman in harm's way; even if it wasn't my intention, and I was fighting to save her; and I nearly got myself killed in Tristan's trials. Who wants a person like that around them? I know I wouldn't. I gave Jay and Noel silver bracelets to signify their relationship, but some how they got the impression that it was because I thought that the relationship wouldn't last. I regret giving them the gifts, and that's saying a lot, seeing as I've never regretted doing anything in my life.
I don't think anyone knows that, for the whole month in the Valley after Mikal proposed to me, I woke up next to him and looked into his sleeping face and wondered when he was going to leave me. I feel absolutely worthless, and that he is so above me. I love him and I don't want him to leave me. But at the same time, I feel that one day he'll wake up from this dream or reality and realise he's wasted so much time on someone who isn't worth his time, effort and recognition. He is my world and my life, but if he saw me as I saw myself, he'd hate me and want nothing to do with me.
Then again, I guess that's what happens when you are me. You hide your demons when you are around everyone, and then you try to deny them but succumb to them when you're alone. I just don't want people to see me and who I see me. So long as my happy and content front is up, no one will ever have to know me. I feel bad that I am lying to everyone I have ever loved and cared about. I'm going to sign off, and I truly hope that the next entry will be on a happier note.
Serenity Atreyua Global Moderator Kulan Elemental: Dark Fire Shifter:Phoenix NPC: Sagittarius and Cancer Caidz New Generation member is offline
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Re: Behind the Phoenix. « Reply #1 on Apr 25, 2007, 10:00am »
So unlike I had hoped, this entry is not that happy.
I had found out recently that Victoria had been having an affair with Tristan and she had gotten pregnant by him. My own sister, pregnant... I had always thought I'd be the one to get pregnant first, but my own sister? I can't say I am pleased with Tristan or Tor over this, because they would have brought an illegitimate child into a world of chaos.
To what I understand, Ravina found out and went off the deep end and things lead to other things and the pregnancy was terminated through drastic measures. When I found this out and heard momma telling daddy what state Tor was in, I knew I had to set aside my anger and disappointment in both of them. For Tor's sake.
I've just been trying my hardest to keep the mood light and not let everyone be depressed, but momma and daddy are blaming them for our falls and failures. I don't want them blaming themselves for Tori getting pregnant, for Mike and Evie leaving, for Paul always getting in trouble, for those of us who have been sexually active and the list goes on of our falls. We have all made choices that allowed us to get into those positions.
Personally, I think that they have raised us well, we are all generally value and morality oriented, we tend to push our parents boundaries and we step over them from time to time, but we learn from our mistakes. I think that my parents would be bad parents if they didn't let us fall from time to time, and if they weren't there for us when we need help getting back up. I couldn't imagine thinking what our lives would be like if they weren't our parents or if they were too relaxed.
Looking at how life had been in the dorm and at Mikal's (no offense to Luca or Mikal), I understand the need for the rigidity. Our family tended to be chaotic and having such strict and rigid rules was a way that my parents could keep the 8 of us safe, but it back fired when we got tired of the rules. I found out that I came to love the routines and rules we had. I even adopted them into my life after I left because it was something familiar to me. I missed my home so much that I moved back home a few weeks after we had gotten back from the Valley.
Speaking of the Valley, Mikal and I left for it when I asked him to run with me there after Miles had attacked me once more, trying to repeat his attrocities a second time while I was conscious. When we were there, Mikal had proposed to me and I accepted. After that we spent a lot of the month making love and just relaxing. One thing that I am going to keep from my parents is that I could have very well been in Torie's position. I definitely had a pergnancy scare while in the Valley. I was late and it freaked me out, so I asked one of mine and Tor's good friends, Cheyenne, to go and get a pregnancy test, since if I went, there'd be so many rumours going around and it would get back to my momma. Thankfully I wasn't, a few days later I got back on schedule with my cycle. I would have seriously cried because a child is not a committment I am ready for. It scared me enough that I had decided to slow things down in my relationship and it is not a choice I regret making. I don't want children and this will assure that I have none for now. Also we will use protection more, that was his suggestion. I think the scare freaked him out just as much as it did for me.
When we got back, we told my parents about the engagement and my mother fainted! Right there in the kitchen, one minute she was sitting in her chair, the next she was laying on the floor! The news was brought in with a resounding no, needless to say I am going to make the suggestion that we carry on with the engagement, but in secret. I swear I'm a bad influence on him sometimes, but I will do anything to be with him and my parents will soon realise that and I hope that they won't send me away to Siberia to keep us apart. But honestly, what evidence was there that my parents would have accepted our choice to be engaged? NONE!
I don't know, things have gone wrong and it looks like we as a family will have to keep travelling through the dark before we can find the light. I have faith that the Caidz' can come back together and we can fight our trials and tribulations together. But this is long enough as it is and I've probably disclosed more than enough information.
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Re: Behind the Phoenix. « Reply #2 on May 9, 2007, 1:29am »
So Jay was being an ass - like usual - saying how I am not satisfied in my relationship because I am looking for more attention from him and other guys like Tirstan and Asher. I guess in a way, he is absolutely right. But only in a way, not completely.
He is only right in the sense that I am feeling incomplete, I guess for lack of a better word. Only because I guess I shouldn't be seeking attention from them as much as I do. But Jay is also wrong in the sense that, I know I'm loved, and I am well taken care of when I have boyfriend time. But he and I have had to make compromises with our relationship when I moved back home, and me having an active role in my brothers' lives.
I guess that a direction that I don't want to go in is the one I have to go. For the sake of my heart, and mon amant. I am thinking taking a temporary break. I have grown to be dependent on him and I am sure of the same with me. And as much as I love the thought of just being one with Mikal, it scares me, because I have to be dependent on myself, not anyone else. I know that I want to be with Mikal for the rest of my life, however long that may be, but I think that in order to grow together, we have to grow apart.
This is painful just thinking of it, I don't know if I am strong enough to even approach him about this. Damn Jay and bringing this up! It has been in my head all day. I think for now, I am just going to let the subject die in the recesses of my brain. If it still bothers me, then I think I'll talk to someone about it.
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Re: Behind the Phoenix. « Reply #3 on Jun 17, 2007, 6:43pm »
**From the desk of Tristan Black** *Page entered into diary, post writing.*
I guess this is the only place I can find solace after everything has happened... on paper. Jay has finally fallen asleep and that is something I have thanks for. He has spent too much time fussing over me. I fell asleep for about an hour already and I woke up in sweat and tears. Which only made him worry more because I wouldn't tell him that the night replayed in my head. Not even sleep is a safe place for me.
Jay has been such a rock for me. I can feel his anger at Miles, and even at me. There is a certain about of sadness there too, and I know its because I didn't ask him to help me. I didn't really want him to. This is my personal Hell, and I had to escape on my own. Except I found my way further into it. I'm not his responsiblity, Noel is, but yet he takes my life and business on as his own.
Tonight, he brought me up here to Tristan's room and ran me a bubble bath while he went to make be something to eat and drink. He was very business like about it. He got the water hot enough, added the bubbles and left me to myself, not even daring to look. When I was in the bath, he came upstairs with a hot chocolate and pizza for me and just held it out to me from his side of the curtain. He sat on the floor beside the bath tub, comforting me, but keeping his distance, and he had left the room once he had found some stuff of Noel's to wear. Or it could have been mine and he went to my house to get it, I'm not sure. Anyways, when I got out, and had changed and cleaned up all the dried blood that had settled where I had scratches and cuts (Man, I look dreadful with my bruises, especially my face with its fat lip, black eye and the hand print on my cheek.) I was lead to Tristan's bed, and I laid in the middle under the covers and Jay laid beside me on top of the covers and just held my hand. Nothing more, nothing less. No words, no looks, no actions, I laid there, and he sat there. I guess after a while, I fell asleep and didn't notice Jay had left my side. Just when I woke up from the nightmare, he looked startled, so I guess I woke him up. I made sure he fell asleep again before I stole this note pad to write on. I guess I should document everything that I remember in case I ever bring this to the Sheriff.
I had sent Miles a text message saying I wanted to meet him to work out a deal. I could go home, claim I cried wolf in exchange for his celibacy. I walked to the park, and waited in what I thought was a well lit area. I knew he was there when the wind started playing games with me. He had spun me around, and I fell to my knees. I waited and I waited too long for him, he had my hair, pulled me to the ground and had me pinned before I could even scream.
I managed to get him off of me after he kissed me and I stabbed him in the left shoulder blade with a dark fire dagger. It immobilised his whole arm, shoulder to fingertips. I rolled him off and ended up manhandling him a bit, but he got the better of me. He and I were standing face to face and he just shoved his hand down my hands and into me. He had caught me off guard and that's when I had started to lose the will to fight him off. So he dropped my pants and underwear, he kicked me in the ribs, and as I was trying to get up to leave, he had rolled me onto my back and beat me so I couldn't fight back. When he knew I couldn't fight back anymore, he had his way with me. I don't know if he used a condom, or if he was done or anything, I just brought a leg up between his legs, pulled up my pants and left for the closest house, which was Tristan's.
But I didn't want to see Tristan. I had to see Jay. I found him in the sitting room, and I just came in and collapsed to my hands and knees, crying. He came over and held me when I coughed blood up on his shirt. He healed me and then I pushed him away and ended up huddled in a corner. It was Jay, for the love of the Goddess, but even he scared me at that point. I was afraid that even he would turn around and hurt me. And I guess that's where up top takes over for tonight's events.
This will definitely shake up my relationship with Mikal, who in body type is almost identical to Miles. I just want to know if anybody saw Miles raping me and why didn't they stop him?
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Re: Behind the Phoenix. « Reply #4 on Jun 17, 2007, 6:55pm »
**From the desk of Tristan Black** *Page entered into diary, post writing*
So I haven't worked up the courage to go home just yet. But I did run into Mikal, while with Jay. He came up to me and kissed my forehead and I flinched. I flinched at my own financé's own kiss. He asked me what was going on, and I had to get Jay - who was holding me - to tell him.
I had never seen Mikal so angry in my life. He wasn't even that angry when Luca and Virgo announced their relationship (another story for another night.) He punched a whole straight through a wall and it only freaked me out more. I think Jay sensed it because he went to talk to Mikal alone. He left me with Silver and he left with Mikal.
Jay confided after to me that he told Mikal that he needed to be there for me, not to focus on his emotions and anger, but to think of how afraid I am and how I feel. He had Mikal close his eyes and picture what it would be like for him to be helpless and vulnerable, only to be taken advantage of or violated and would rather face death than go on. Jay knows too much about me and my feelings sometimes, but he got through to Mikal.
After Jay left, I finally had to push my nerves and fear aside to at least try and touch Mikal. He stood firmly, held his hands open and in between us so I could keep an eye on them. Slowly, I came closer and took his hands. The poor guy thinks this is his fault, but its not. It's all mine despite what he said. He will be forever adamant on our marriage. He told me that together we'll piece my life together and whether my parents agree or not, we will soon be married.
I love him with all my heart, and I will be forever and proudly, Mrs. Mikal Atreyua after marriage, but for now my trust in him and all males will be shaken because of Miles. Mikal is my love and I can hardly touch him. I feel so dirty and ashamed of myself because of that.
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Re: Behind the Phoenix. « Reply #5 on Aug 12, 2007, 10:06pm »
I'm pregnant.
Two simple words. The latter of the two words has been my fear since being with Mikal. I never wanted kids, I was never maternal. When my brothers came along, that changed my life. I became maternal and took very good care of my brothers. I know that from practicing on them that my own child will be well taken care of. Unfortunately, if I'm tired of my brothers, I give them back to my mother. If I'm tired or stressed out with my own baby, I can't return him. i can hand him off to my husband, but is that fair? I'm the mother, its my job to take care of husband and baby.
As usual, the parents freaked out. They told me that even with this baby, I have no choice but to go to school. This is basically how this is going to work:
- Do night feedings - give baby breakfast - eat breakfast - go to class - trade shifts with Mikal while he goes to class - feed baby - eat lunch - go to class - switch with Mikal so he can go to class - have dinner - feed baby - try and relax a bit - put baby to bed - go to sleep - do it all over again
I don't understand how my mother and father did it. I will be exhausted in a matter of weeks. They are, however, letting me take a month off to get into a routine with the baby and get settled with it. I'm sure it's a him, but just in case Kimoni is born when he's supposed to, and this is a tenth child, then I don't want to be presumptuous.
My tummy, oooh this will be the big issue once I start showing. I'm not showing yet. Like you can't see that I'm pregnant, but I can see it. It's my own body, I can see things like this. I used to be toned, and I see my tummy rounding out slowly. It just doesn't look the same to me. Not to mention, with the amount I'm eating, I will be one fat cow.
Mikal will have fun parading me around the Valley. Show off the fact that I'm pregnant and its his kid. He is one proud man and will be more so once the baby comes into the world. Knowing him as well as I do, that when we make the trip home for me to give birth, he'll shift and take me for a walk around the Valley and show off his pregnant wife. Then probably again after the baby comes into the world. That's the only thing , we haven't been home since we got engaged. Girls are going to be mad that we're married and have a kid. He was always loved by girls, and the same went for me and guys, but they all knew to keep away, because of Mikal. He always protected me, even if we weren't together.
This is all so new to us, so we are just going to have to take it day by day. I won't always feel good, so will be limited in what I do. Like at the airport, I took my carry ons and he took the rest, because he didn't want me lifting. Like 3 almost 4 weeks, and he was putting the baby's health first already. What a man, I couldn't ask for better.
I really am excited, so is Hubby. This is our baby, something we both created, and it will be our life. For now, the baby is doing fine. I have only had 9 days of morning sickness, and the rest of the time, I'm filling my face. Good Luck to mommy and daddy-to-be.
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This means, things happen and people argue and people don't- don't get offended and don't get silly....
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